


reincarnation redux

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: me sobbing about critical role [67]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, physical hurt/comfort too if just at the end, uh oh sad alert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18421050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: [what if Nott could only be changed back the way she was changed in the first place?]“In order for the soul to be returned to its prior state, the subject’s body must be killed in the same way it was before. The odds of the spell going wrong increase exponentially with each difference in circumstance.”





	reincarnation redux

**Author's Note:**

> tagged in an ask by @twinvax: "What if Nott could only be changed back in the way she was changed in the first place. What if she put her trust in caleb and the mighty nein at the edge of the river. What if she didn’t tell her husband but he found out/got there somehow."
> 
> but seriously, trigger warning for descriptions of drowning/death

They’re all standing by the edge of a river. _The_ river. Caleb is holding several thick scrolls full of arcane symbols, a spell more complicated than anything he’s ever cast before. He has the power now, if just barely. The sun had set fully an hour ago. 

They’d had to sneak through the woods to get back here, rather than walk through Felderwin again- didn’t want to get recognized, too much incriminating evidence on them to risk it. So they sneaked through the trees. Nott and Yeza were silent and twitchy the whole way, and they’d all realized why when they notice the half-grown in scratch marks in the trees near the river. 

There was no blood. It had happened too long ago for that. But Caleb could imagine the scene all too easily. 

They’re all standing by the edge of the river, and Nott is looking at them, not calm, not alright, but standing there none the less. Jester peers at her worriedly, “Nott, are you _sure_ you don’t want to get drunk for this? You know we wouldn’t judge you.”

She grimaces, although he thinks it is supposed to be a smile. “I- No thank you, Jester. I mean I- even if I wanted to, I have to be, uhm, just like I was when I- when I died the first time.”

* * *

They all flinch at that, in their own ways. Yeza especially. She hadn’t wanted him here. Well, that wasn’t true, she _did_ want him here, to hold her hand as she went into the river, but that felt selfish and so she’d tried to keep it from him. 

They’d always been bad at keeping secrets from each other. 

* * *

So Yeza is standing next to her, holding her hand tightly, face pale. She takes a deep breath, ignoring the tears gathering in her eyes. Caleb clears his throat, shuffling the parchment in his hand. “I- ah, only need a few minutes to prepare.”

He plops down on the grass and buries himself in the spell, muttering under his breath as glittering sparks of magic begin to swirl around his hands. She can tell how distressed he is. How distressed they all are. 

She’d felt so- so _elated_ , when Caleb had come rushing back to the inn from the Towers, papers clutched in his hand and Beau confused but following quickly behind. 

When he’d breathlessly explained what the purpose of the spell was- “ _How to untwist a poorly consecuted soul_ ” was what it had said, and when they’d asked Essik, he’d confirmed that her reincarnation would fit the spell parameters. 

She’d cried while telling Yeza about it, how she was going to be _herself_ again, that they could go home, could get a new house in a different town, that they could be a _family_ again. 

Of course, they couldn’t just run off. Caleb had to take time and study the spell, and later that night was when he’d learned the requirements. There was a “team meeting” in Beau and Jester’s room. Yeza was already asleep, and so she decided not to bother him. 

When she entered, Caleb had looked even more somber than usual, and was staring at the floor. It didn’t take long for everyone else to join them. And then Caleb told them. 

“For the spell to work, it- you. You must-,” Caleb stops. Breathes deeply, and without even looking at the scrolls in front of him continues speaking, “ _In order for the soul to be returned to its prior state, the subject’s body must be killed in the same way it was before. The odds of the spell going wrong increase exponentially with each difference in circumstance._ ”

Dead silence, before the room exploded with noise. Everyone was talking, “No _fucking_ way can we do that to her!” “That- Caleb, that can’t be right, can it?” “We- we can’t do _that!_ ”

When Nott spoke, her voice was quiet. Thin. But they stopped cold at her words. 

“We can’t tell Yeza. He won’t- I don’t want him to, to see that. Okay?” she looks up at them, desperation coloring her words, now, “We’ll tell him we have to go back, that I have to be at the same place, but _not_ about the death, okay? _Promise me_ you won’t say anything!”

They promise. They pack, they send word and explanation to the Queen, for once leaving in better graces than they arrived. And they sneak their way through the woods to a river on the edge of a small farming town, in the middle of the night. 

* * *

Nott is staring into the sky when she feels a tap on her shoulder. She looks over into the face of a somber, but still slightly awkward, Fjord. Caleb should be done preparing the spell soon. He sits down next to her, folding his legs. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, and she remembers that he’s the only other person in their group who’s ever drowned. 

(Sometimes she wishes she’d had a snake god to make shady deals with that night. Usually, after, she laughs at herself for being silly. Sometimes she doesn’t.)

A minute passes. Caleb looks up, magic fading from his eyes. “The spell is- ready. But we. Need someone to, to er,” he trails off. She ends his sentence for him. 

“We need someone to hold me down.” she says, and somehow the atmosphere gets even heavier. 

* * *

Caleb wants to say he will. Nott needs him, his best friend is being so, _so_ brave, and she needs him, but the idea of holding her down, of killing another person he loves- casting the spell is hard enough. He is barely holding it together. And Nott needs him. 

“I- I am very strong,” Jester says, and the recurring joke tastes sour, within their context now. They can all see how much she doesn’t want to do it. Sure, Jester’s killed before. She’s positively ruthless in battle. But holding down her friend? Her fellow detective? Thats-

* * *

“I will do it,” and they all look at Yasha. The moonlight lights up her skin, and her eyes stand out even more. Her sword is on the grass behind her, and she is looking directly at Nott. “If you want me to,” she adds. 

Nott takes another shuddering breath. She doesn’t want Jester to do it. She knows if she does, she’ll never be the same. It’ll hurt her _so_ badly. 

Nott can handle it, Nott’s already done this before ( ~~her heart is beating like a hummingbird, she can’t look at the water, can’t bear to look at her reflection, can taste the water already, remembers looking into the bloated face of her body after waking up, like a twisted funhouse mirror~~ ) and it won’t even be five minutes before she’s breathing again, as herself. It’s fine. Nott can do it. 

She looks at the group, clustered around her, worried. Hurting. She looks back at Yasha. “I trust you,” she says, and she does. She wouldn’t be able to do this, if it were anyone else. 

But when Caleb begins weaving the spell, her confidence in his skill never waivers. She feels it- cold, like a winter breeze just that side of freezing, washing over her. 

When Yasha lowers her into the water and holds her down with gentle, but steady hands, her trust stays firm. (Yasha don’t crush her neck, doesn’t line her arms with bleeding gouges. Yasha is strong, but _soft_ )

When the world goes dim, then dark, and then she’s coughing up water on the grassy riverbank, she feels Jester holding her hand, and Yeza holding her other, and Caleb holding her face, and she hurts, and her heart beats fast, but the faces surrounding her are her _family_ , and she knows she will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> not's new body doesn't have finger-shaped bruises on her wrists. sometimes yasha sees them anyway.  
> <3


End file.
